I carry this man within my heart.. he does not leave me for a second, yet he is not even there. I wonder why he is so blind to my pain. What makes him not find some kind of pity in himself? I know he enjoys my pain. I used to see when he is walking out there. He used to carry himself like a real man. When all he did when he was or was not around was hurt me.
I sit down to eat and i cant. The food sticks to my throat and does not go down. I’m not myself anymore. I’m not even with myself anymore. The only thing that goes down my throat are the salty tears that never leave my face. My body does not feel the hunger that everyone else feels. Someone has occupied me i have no space for anything else. I cant even see the people around me. They are invisible to me. I am numb to everything but i can feel this soul that lives within my soul.
Why am i always blind to his faults? Why do i keep making excuses for him. I can clearly see that he has taken over me and he is hurting every part of me. Why do I keep letting him do that to me? It has become so difficult to take him out of me.
Every time I think of independence, I think of the smile that he puts on my face sometimes when he wants to humor me. Sometimes he holds my hand and he calls me babes. He knows how to get to my very core. He used to come and go. Now he has gone for a long time. This is the time he is very present in myself. This is the time i see him everywhere.
I just want to go to sleep by myself for once. Liberate.